Michael Scott is a Licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist, and a child custody mediator. He has been
a therapist since 1982 and maintains a private practice in Santa Cruz,
CA. Since 1985, Michael has served as a child custody mediator for The
County of Santa Cruz Superior Court. He is an educator offering
workshops both nationally and internationally on marriage, divorce,
parenting, education, personal and professional development, conflict
resolution, and the developmental needs of children.
PO Box 822 * Santa Cruz, CA
95061 * (831)423-0521
Today is
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The following information is not intended to take
the place of legal advice, mediation, psychotherapy, or
counseling. Its purpose is educational and informational only.
If you need such advice or counseling, please seek an
appropriate, qualified professional.
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To review the full text and complete version of the
article summary that appears below (© Michael Scott, 2002) go
to: http://mediate.com/articles/scottm.cfm
where it was published online in November 2002.
CO-PARENTING
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A successful divorce is one in which the parents divorce each
other but do not require the child to divorce one of the parents,
either as a result of parental conflict or by one parent not being
available to the child. Co-parenting can be a viable option when it
is implemented by parents who want it to work because they
understand that the child's needs supersede their own self interest,
and it can be successful and rewarding for both the child and the
parents.
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IMPACT OF SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ON CHILDREN
- Children, who go through separation, and/or divorce, experience
abandonment. Younger children do not have the intellectual
resources, or older children the emotional resources to understand
this as anything other than, "I am being left by my parent!" A
central reason that divorce is so difficult for children is the
fact that they have little life experience to understand why their
parents would separate and what happens when a parent, or when
both parents, leaves the family home. Often, children are afraid
to ask what will happen. For more information about divorce and
its impact, click on the following link to Divorce:
Things to Consider.
- DEFINITION OF TERMS
- LEGAL CUSTODY
- What school will the child attend? What religion will the child
practice? A parent with Sole legal custody has authority to make
all major decisions about the child. Parents with Joint legal
custody share the authority to make major decisions about their
child.
- PHYSICAL CUSTODY
- Physical custody designates the amount of time a child shares
with each parent. A parent with Sole physical custody has
responsibility for the child the significant majority of the time.
Parents with Joint physical custody share responsibility for the
child's time within a more equitable schedule.
- VISITATION
- This is generally considered to be the time that the child
shares with the non-custodial parent. Rather than viewing the
separated family arrangements in traditional legal terms, it is
more valid, psychologically speaking, for physical custody to be
conceptualized from the point of view of the child. We know that,
with rare exceptions, it is in the child's best interest to have
regular and continuing contact with both parents. This is to say
the child's rights have to supersede the parent's rights. It is
the child's right to have access to both parents. It is the
parent's obligation and responsibility to be available and to care
for the child.
- PARENTING PLAN
- This term contains the more normalized concepts of a child
sharing time with or living with each parent at different times.
In a written parenting plan, sentences begin with, "The child will
share time with (or, live with) each parent according to the
following schedule:" rather than, "The Father/Mother has
visitation on alternate weekends." Even if the child sees one
parent only once a year for a few days, the child is still sharing
time and living with that parent during that time period. The time
sharing plan should take into consideration what that child has
become accustomed to, regarding the parenting style and
arrangement during the time of the intact relationship. If a child
is to be with one parent significantly more of the time than with
the other parent (for example, when the two parents live a
considerable distance from one another), we suggest replacing the
traditional term of "custodial parent" with the less emotionally
charged concept of "the child's primary residence" and "the
child's secondary residence." Of course, if the child shares time
fairly equitably between the parents, then there is no need to
designate either parent's residence with such title. For
information about negotiating a parenting plan, click on the
following link: Mediation: Things
to Consider.
- CO-PARENTING
- Technically, co-parenting exists with any parenting
arrangement, regardless of its formal designation. In whatever way
each parent is involved in raising the child, the parents
co-parent. Most effective co-parenting arrangements contain the
following characteristic dynamics between the parents:
cooperation, communication, compromise, and consistency.
- PARALLEL PARENTING
- While meaningful co-parenting can only be carried out by
parents in a working, functional, parental relationship, parallel
parenting is more characteristic of parents in a dysfunctional
relationship dynamic. Parallel parenting manifests when there is
an insufficient degree of cooperation, communication, compromise,
or consistency to carry out co-parenting. Children in parallel
parenting arrangements often experience heightened anxiety during
phone calls from the other parent and during transfers between
parents. Minimizing verbal and physical contact between the
parents can help.
- FIVE CATEGORIES OF POST-DIVORCE SPOUSAL RELATIONSHIPS
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Ahrons and Rodgers (Divorced Families, 1987) have
conceptualized five categories of post-divorce spousal
relationships: Perfect Pals, Cooperative Colleagues, Angry
Associates, Fiery Foes, and Dissolved Duos. The first two are
appropriately referred to as functional co-parenting. The next
two are dysfunctional relationships that can manage "parallel
parenting" at best. Although many still refer to this as
co-parenting, we use the more apt term, "parallel parenting," to
describe these dynamics. The last category, Dissolved Duos,
sadly for the children, consists of 100% solo parenting. Perfect
Pals tend to like each other and remain friends. Cooperative
Colleagues will most likely respect one another and work as if
they were business partners. Angry Associates will more than
likely have many years of arguing and use the child as a pawn in
their power struggle. Fiery Foes will spend much time with on
going court battles never really understanding the devastating
impact upon the child, nor themselves. Dissolved Dues will have
one parent completely abandoning the relationship with the
child.
- THE IMPACT OF GRIEF ON SUCCESSFUL CO-PARENTING
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Most parents want to co-parent successfully and strive to
conduct themselves in ways that would include them in the first
two post-divorce relationship categories. However, things get in
the way.
- THE GRIEVING PROCESS
- Just as with death, when a relationship ends there is a
grieving process. It is just that unresolved issues from the prior
relationship often interfere with the new relationship. Ghosts of
the previous relationship frequently intrude, unconsciously, into
the dynamics of a new relationship and often contribute to its
problems. The grieving process has many theoretical models. One
stage-theory that is very useful was developed by Elizabeth
Kubler-Ross (On Death and Dying, 1969). The first stage is the
stage of denial - the disbelief that this is actually happening.
The second stage is the stage of anger. The third stage, involves
remorse or bargaining. The fourth stage is the phase of
depression. Finally the last stage, acceptance, is one which
involves moving on in life
- IMPACT ON RELATIONSHIP
- It is often the case that one parent is at a more functional
level than is the other with regard to co-parenting. If this is
the situation, then it is more effective for the parent who is at
the more functional level to remain rational and empathic toward
the other parent. If the more functional parent is drawn to a
lower level of functionality, there will be more chaos and
disruption, not only for that parent, but, more importantly, for
the child. The higher functioning parent would be better off
learning effective negotiating skills for dealing with an
individual who prefers to be in a competitive rather than
collaborative negotiating arena.
- IMPACT ON THE INDIVIDUAL'S ABILITY TO "MOVE ON"
- The emotional process of divorce for one partner is not
generally on the same timeline as it is for the other partner.
Typically, one of the partners becomes aware of being unhappy in
the relationship. That individual may request the other to attend
marital counseling in hopes of getting the other partner to change
and make the relationship "right." The person attempting to seek
professional help is already well into the process of emotional
detachment. Generally the other partner does not experience the
difficulty in the same manner. It is this disparity in perception,
experience, and time frame that creates turmoil between the
couple. When the partner that has been grieving the relationship
finally announces that it over, the person being left begins the
grieving process.
- ESTABLISHING A PARENTING PLAN: THE NUTS AND BOLTS
- THINGS TO CONSIDER
- For co-parenting to be effective, both parents need to consider
the needs of the child above their own needs. It is like a map
that gives directions on how the two of you agree to parent your
child. A parenting plan should be built on a foundation of the
developmental needs of the child. It is often useful to seek sound
professional advice about the needs of children at different ages
in devising a parenting plan. For example, how adaptable is your
child? Also the child's sense of time is an important factor in
considering the duration a child can cope with separation from a
parent. As children get older, they can handle increased time away
from each parent. The day to day parenting plan should take into
consideration the reality of the child. Gradual shifts from what
is familiar to the child to what is possible are best for
children. The child is then not forced to sacrifice his or her
needs, rather the parents more appropriately would be making
sacrifices for their child. Also, specified time should be set
aside to discuss the children. Young children are concrete
thinkers. It helps a child to adjust if there is a picture of the
other parent in the room where the child sleeps. That way, the
memory of the other parent can be sustained in the child's mind
for a longer time between transfers. Open phone access of the
child with each parent is helpful, as long as neither parent is
stressing the child. It is most useful to not request to speak to
the other parent when you call to speak to the child. Arguments
that can ensue when you ask to speak to the other parent are
experienced by the child as "my parents are arguing over me." Of
course, it is most helpful to teach the child how to call the
other parent, without the need of parental assistance. If
possible, arrange to transfer the child at school or at childcare.
One parent drops off; the other picks up. This tends to reduce the
child's separation anxiety that results from leaving one parent to
go directly with the other. Being a co-parent requires a great
deal of skill. The ability to let your former partner parent the
child his or her own way is a skill. For information about
negotiating a parenting plan, click on the following link: Mediation:
Things to Consider.
- EVOLUTION OF THE RELATIONSHIP
- There are four stages in the evolution of a relationship from a
beginning romance and/or marriage towards a divorce and
co-parenting relationship. The first is the stage of "intimacy."
The second stage may best be termed "negative intensity." The
third is the stage of "building a structured agreement" for how to
continue raising the children in the context of separation or
divorce. The last is the stage of "emotional disengagement."
Unfortunately, many divorcing parents try to move directly from
stage two to stage four without going through stage three. A
parenting plan is a map. It is a map of how the two parents will
continue to raise their child. Developing understanding and
empathy for the other parent are essential in using the map
effectively. If both individuals are willing, divorce counseling
aimed at learning communication skills can be very helpful for
untangling the old emotional hooks and learning effective ways to
co-parent, for your child's sake.
- IMAGINING THE FUTURE
- Imagine that you are attending your child's twenty-fifth
birthday, or wedding. Will your child be able to look at the two
of you on this day of celebration and say the following?: "I would
like to honor my Mom and Dad for their love of me. They were able
to navigate through a difficult situation and protect me from the
storm. I love you both for showing me how to be a human being. Or,
will your child look out and not see one or either of you there,
because of your unresolved anger towards each other? A child has
the right to love both parents. Give your child that as a gift. It
will be profoundly appreciated and everlasting."
© Michael Scott, 2002. The full and complete version of
the above article summary was published in November 2002 online
at: http://mediate.com/articles/scottm.cfm.
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Last updated 04/02/2022
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